Sanctuary

You may recall a post I did some months ago in which I invited you to join me in one of my twilight runs on a closed road not far from my home.  I have visited this stretch of road countless times in the last 20 months as not only a place to get some exercise, but a sanctuary to escape the chaos of my life.

You see, I live in a densely populated suburb of Atlanta, and a road to run on without the smell of exhaust or the sound of cars whizzing by is difficult, if not impossible, to find.  When I first moved to this area, it was not unusual to go on my walk there and never see another person or car.  But as time has passed and more people began to discover its level pavement, great view and gift of peace and quiet, it was not unusual to see 3 or 4 folks in varied stages of their walks along this route.  But it is still downright blissful.

It is appropriate to add at this point that I am now a preschool teacher, and most of you already know I have a very active, very talkative five-year-old.  So moments of real quiet are a gift that I do not take for granted.

A few months back, I started hearing murmurings of a new developer coming to pick up where the last one left off on the huge plot of acreage that adjoins this road.  That could only mean one thing.  My sanctuary's days were numbered.  Construction would soon begin, and inevitably, the city officials would have no other option than to finish off this road and open it to traffic.   Of course, that only makes sense.  It will likely make a significant impact on lessening congestion on the two heavily-traveled roads it intersects.  But from a purely selfish perspective, I felt sad knowing that I would only have so many more runs on this stretch of road -- at least in its current state.

Then we heard the news...the road will reopen this Monday.

With the dreaded event looming, Chatterbox joined in the pouting.  He rides his bike up and down this road often after school with me walking alongside him, talking about our day and pretending to be on a treasure hunt.  As a mom, not having to worry about a car whipping out of nowhere has allowed me to enjoy this time together without being hyper-vigilant.  Friday we ventured out on what would undoubtedly be our last bike ride together on that road.  This is how our conversation went:

"Mom, we don't want the road to be open, right?"

"No, we don't."

"Well, let's talk to these workers right here (points to two men putting up a road sign) and tell them not to open it.  They will understand.  Let's go..."

"Ummm...it doesn't really work like that, buddy."

"Why?"

"Well it's not their decision.  They are just doing their job."

"Then who makes the decision?"

"You know how Whoville had a mayor in that movie?  Well, our city has a mayor too and I imagine that is the person who makes the final decision."

"Ok, well is the mayor still in his office?  Let's go now..."

If life were only that simple.

Then, I said my goodbyes yesterday on my final solo run.  As I listened to the rhythm of my feet on the pavement, I thought of the many conversations I had with God here.  How I spent time working through my own garbage before I tossed it out.  How I spent every pace of some runs just...listening.  Listening to hear what He might have to say.  About everything.  My fears, my job, my goals, my desperation for healing...absorbing His goodness, wisdom, and peace.

Understanding more than ever His greatness...and my smallness.  And how despite that disparity, He loves and cherishes me...even more than I cherish my own son.

Stick with me for a sec, because I don't want to lose you if you're not really a religious kind of person.  If you ever REALLY get that...if you let that into your being and process it, at least as much as we can process that kind of information...it will change your reality.  God will no longer be a concept, or something for other people...something for later when you have kids, or a subject to debate about over a glass of wine.  It is a knowledge that, once known, will forever alter who you are.  As a parent, I don't understand a love that can supersede what I feel and experience every day for my own child.  But I'll tell you what -- if there is a love like that to be found...and I believe with my whole heart that there is...I want it.  I need it.  Because that is a game-changer.  No matter what I do, no matter how much I fail or how much I succeed...no matter how far I run away from it, and even if I cease to accept it...He will love me.

Love changes everything.

This is why I know that if my sanctuary is taken away, God will make sure I find a new one.  You might have heard this little ditty: when God closes a door, He opens a window.  Many of us have experienced this in our lives...how we go through a season of darkness and we cannot see a way around it, over it or even through it, but somehow God makes a way.  Or how people seem to drift in and out of our lives for no good reason...other than they are exactly what we needed in that one specific season of our lives.

You know how when a certain subject comes up multiple times in a few days, and you get the feeling that somebody's trying to tell you something?  Well, the subject of manna is the headline of late for me.  Do you know what manna is?  Exodus tells the story of how God once fed the nation of Israel by causing manna, or a kind of edible substance that could be made into bread, to fall from the sky as they wandered in the wilderness.

Anyway, some of the folks got smart and tried to gather up enough to store, because they were living in fear of tomorrow.  Despite the fact that they had exactly what they needed to survive today.  I can just hear their inner dialogue:  "What if manna doesn't fall tomorrow?  Then I'll be hungry.  My kids will be hungry.  This Moses guy is nothing but trouble..."

But you know what happened?  The stored food went bad.  Fast.  And God got a little peeved with His people.  Because their actions were a reflection of their lack of faith.  Faith that He knew what they needed, and would provide it when they needed it.  Never early.  Never late.  Just in time.

He's got it under control.  And if I still need a physical version of a sanctuary to receive certain revelations from God, I'm fairly certain I will find one.  Because He loves me.  No big theological points to make here.

He just...loves me.


So, I will not say goodbye to my sanctuary.  See you 'round seems more appropriate.

The bird's-eye view of my sanctuary yesterday evening

Beautiful Death

Something I loved died today.

I woke up and got ready as I would do any other day, keeping in mind that I had an important appointment to attend.  I showered and drank my coffee in silence -- no TV or music to accompany my routine on this day.  I dressed appropriately for the occasion, although I made my wardrobe choices unconsciously.  Donning dark gray pants and a gray on gray striped sweater, I walked outside to find that the world was covered in the thickest fog I have ever seen in daylight.  As a result, I prepared myself for a possibly tense drive over the next hour or so to my destination during the always excruciating Atlanta rush hour.

I began my drive with a local radio station, and found that it was a bit too chipper for my mood.  I instead hit the button to switch to the CD in the player, a collection of piano concertos.  Better.  I tried to keep my mind blank as I drove through the blanket of mist.  But after about 20 minutes of that, I knew I needed to let myself be in the moment of what would happen today, and what it would finally mean.

I was on my way to a courthouse where a total stranger would sign a piece of paper that says what I have known for longer than I care to admit...my marriage is over.  Legally...officially...over.

I have had to fight a battle I never could have anticipated in a million years to get to this day...sacrificed security, sanity, immeasurable emotional energy and thousands of dollars (some earned, but most borrowed) to make this day a reality.  What a strange irony it has been to fight so hard and invest so much in something that I never, ever wanted.

Have you ever noticed that death is sort of beautiful?  You may understand what I mean if you have ever  lingered at the bedside of someone who is actively dying, especially if it is an elderly person or someone who has had ample time to prepare themselves and their loved ones for their passing.   I have experienced this very thing, and I felt so blessed, so....AWED that I was able to witness and participate in such a sacred journey.

It is a very different experience, however, when you are with someone who has not accepted their time to pass, or someone who is being taken before their time because of a terrible event or accident.  In this circumstance, death is a violent thing to watch...so many people fighting to save a body that has already declared that it has finished its work and has nothing left to give.  Sometimes death is cheated; but, more often, it is only delayed.  The body knows when it's time to go -- you can talk to any hospice nurse and they can tell you this is true.  The appetite disappears, because digestion becomes impossible.  Vitals slow and organs shut down.   The person will often claim to have conversations with loved ones who have already passed, or even talk about leaving for a trip, sleeping with their legs swinging over the side of the bed, as if ready to jump up at a moment's notice.  Natural death, when left to its own progression, can be quite peaceful.  Everything inside the body finally just goes to sleep.

It is when we seek to force something that is dying to soldier on in the land of the living that things get ugly.

As I drove, I thought about my marriage, and the dream it represented.   I mentally flipped through snapshots of the day this dream was born -- my wedding day.  Me standing on a soft green lawn in my wedding dress with my father's arm linked through mine, looking down at my grandma's handkerchief in my hand -- it was my "something blue."  Dancing with my new husband, with all the people I loved in the world looking on.

As I watched that young brunette in her beautiful white gown celebrate the birth of her dream, I found myself wondering what I would say to her if I had the chance.  If I could go back in time and tell her anything...anything at all to spare her from the coming pain...what would I say?

The answer came as a surprise.  I would not tell her to stop.  I would not tell her to run away and never look back.  

I would tell her to take off her blinders and see the truth for what it is.  I would tell her that she needs to explore who she is without a man standing next to her.   I would tell her that control is an illusion.  I would say that wanting to be loved and adored are reasonable expectations, and having those expectations do not make her a bad person.  I would tell  her that even when she thinks she doesn't have an ounce of strength left to fight for what she knows is right and true and good, she will find it.

I would tell her that, sometimes, love isn't enough.

Then I would kiss her cheek and send her down the aisle.  Because if I stopped that girl, she wouldn't be the person she is today.  The terrible, wonderful, beautiful mess that she is.  She wouldn't have a little boy with blond hair and blue eyes who makes the sun and stars and planets dim in comparison.  And that would be a far greater tragedy than having to survive every ounce of pain that waits for her.

Death is so painful.  But it is as much a part of life as birth is.  It is also the gateway through which new life emerges.   This theme of death as a means to new life is written into our very existence...in each animal playing its part in the food chain...in the change of the seasons every year...even in the story of our faith.  Doesn't God say that the only way to truly know Him is to "die" to ourselves?  And isn't the pivotal event of the Christian faith - Christ's death on the cross and resurrection - our only means to live eternal life in heaven someday?

I arrived at the courthouse, waited my turn, and with very little fanfare, I was granted a divorce today.  As I sat in my car holding that piece of paper that signified the death of my beautiful dream, I took a mental snapshot of the moment...the texture of the walls in the parking garage, what piece of music was playing on the CD, the dull ache in my chest...and the tears that I expected, but never came.

As I pulled onto the highway toward home, the fog had only lifted to far enough to obscure the tops of the skyscrapers, leaving the last of the fall foliage visible.  In only days, this quilt of amber and sienna covering the city will turn brown and fall to the ground, only to be whisked away by the winter wind.

It is a beautiful death.

Hakuna Matata - not a wonderful phrase

"Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it, or... learn from it."  Rafiki, The Lion King

I took Chatterbox with me to the movie theater to see the re-release of The Lion King this past Saturday.  It has always been one of my favorite Disney movies, and I couldn't wait to share the experience of watching it with him.  He elected a Starbucks marble pound cake as his treat rather than popcorn, and we smuggled in sodas to attempt to keep me from going into bankruptcy to buy food in the theater.

It was as magical as I had hoped.   He was transfixed the whole time, just as I always was as a child when I went to the movies...soaking in the immensity of the screen, the smell of the popcorn, and the boom-boom of the bass in the soundtrack. 

What I didn't expect was the rush of a forgotten memory....seeing The Lion King live on stage with my mother-in-law some years ago when she was still alive.  We took her and her life partner of 25 years, who I also love dearly, to see it as a thank you for gifting her used SUV to me when she was ready to buy a new one.  It was a good truck, a tank really.  She was always saying how she didn't like the idea of me driving around in my little Ford Escort with all the crazies on 285.  She used to joke that driving in Atlanta was like risking your life on a daily basis.

We lost her to a rare form of Parkinson's around this time two years ago.  And I miss her every single day.

We had a rare relationship that daughters-in-law can only dream of.  We enjoyed an easy rapport with each other, and she was incredibly good to me.  She was quirky and soulful, and loved her two sons like crazy. 

The thing that I respected most about her was that she owned up to her mistakes.  She was very vocal about her shortcomings as a mother in her children's early life...and although she would often frame these comments in a funny story from their childhood, she was adamant that she made innumerable mistakes during those years and always regretted her inability to be there for them in the way she should have been.  I always somehow felt that she said these things within hearing distance of her sons as a way to seek their forgiveness.  As I watched Simba go through his journey of pain and ultimate victory during the film, I was reminded why I loved and respected her so much -- for her willingness to tell the truth...and how facing her demons helped to transform her into the loving, nurturing person I knew her to be. 

I marinated with my memories of her and other weightier issues as the movie concluded, its central themes taking on a more profound message than when I first watched it years ago.  I recognized in Scar the most heinous of enemies, and maybe the greatest Disney villain ever...the way he orchestrated an "accident" to kill his own brother then lied convincingly to a young, impressionable Simba...hissing and whispering a web of shame into Simba's mind...and does it so well that he almost changes the poor cub's destiny to become King.  All for the sake of his own selfish ambition and jealously.  Simba runs...Scar wins...and the entire kingdom suffers for it.

Here's the interesting twist that didn't really hit me until this viewing.  Simba perceived his greatest sin as ultimate responsibility for his father's death.  Of course, it wasn't his fault...the audience is in on the truth.  But what if Mufasa's death had been Simba's fault?  What if he really was responsible in some indirect way?  Was this Simba's greatest sin?  I don't think so.

I think it was the running away part.  That was the true turning point.  The one that could have changed not only his story, but his future children's stories, his mother's story, and the entire kingdom's story.  Running was the easier choice, the faster way to a happy ending.  His life with Pumbaa and Timon in the jungle turned out to be kind of awesome.  Not a care in the world - Hakuna Matata!  Just put your past mistakes out of your mind.  Facing them just makes you feel bad.  It hurts too much -- so Hakuna Matata instead!

Aren't you glad that's not where the story ended?
 

My favorite character in the story is Rafiki.  He comes across as a little nuts, but it turns out he the most sane one in the bunch.  He's the seer, the truth-teller.  He sought Simba out and hit him on the head with the truth of the matter -- literally.  It is a beautiful moment of epiphany as Simba faces the choice of his life.  He can continue his carefree existence, never thinking of the consequences of his past actions...or more importantly, his inaction... and allow those dearest to his heart to continue to reap the disaster he has himself created; or, he can put aside his shame, return home to face his family, tell the truth (whatever the consequences!) and fight for his rightful place on the throne.

Whew.  I don't know about you, but the first one sounds a bit easier.  But that's an illusion -- and Simba recognized it as such.

I'm going to go out on a limb here with a statement.  It applies to men AND women, obviously.  But I feel that I should say something specifically to the men that may run across this blog.  All two of you, anyway.  Because this is really, really important that we get this right for the next generation. 

The world needs more men that will face their mistakes, and do what needs to be done by heading the charge to fix them.  The women and children in your home need that from you.  Your employees need that from you.  Pastors, your church needs that from you.

This means more than putting on your swagger and showing us all how strong you are.   It even means more than saying you're sorry when you mess up. 

That's not good enough.  It takes a bigger man to take it a step further.  It means looking at your family and friends in the eye and telling the truth about where you failed and why, taking responsibility for your actions, facing the consequences head-on and doing the hard work to go about repairing the damage.

I'll go a step further.  It also means busting the news of your mistakes wide open before you are found out by someone else.  That's right...before someone else has to shine the light on the stuff you don't want anyone else to know about.  

This goes against the grain.  I get it.  I really do.  It's a pride thing all mixed together with a shame thing, and the thought of just airing out your business when no one really knows your mistakes to begin with sounds like opening a can of worms for no good reason.  You rationalize, betting on the possibility that no one else may ever find out, then lucky lucky you gets to have his cake and eat it too.

There's one little flaw in that plan.  You know, and God knows...and it's the knowing when you put your head on the pillow at night that will eat away at you, and ultimately make you less of a man...even if no one else ever knows. 

This is not a news flash, friends.  All you have to do is watch CNN covering the good folks in Congress.  Actually, you don't even have to turn on the TV...look at your best friend, your brother, your boss.  This is an epidemic that is running rampant in our world.  The consequences are clear...if you do not take hold of your pride and wrestle it to the ground when it threatens to rule your choices, you will ultimately lose something.  You will lose a friend, or your wife, or your children's respect, or your financial security. 


You may even lose the destiny that had your name written on it before the beginning of time.  I'd say that's a pretty big price to pay for saving face.

Here's the beauty part.  When you step up to the plate and do this, a miraculous thing happens.  The people around you that truly love you will rally and support you through the cleanup of the mess you have made.  You may have to go backward before you go forward.  In fact, I guarantee it.  It will set you back and make you feel as small as an insignificant ant for a while.  But at least you'll be on the right path again instead of going further down a road to nowhere good.

We all make mistakes and we all know how deep down that we'd rather run.  Maybe that is why we are so affected when we see a man who seems to have everything going for him put it all on the line for the sake of his integrity and the people he loves - consequences be damned.  You must believe this...the man who is strong enough to put aside his pride to save his marriage, or his children, or his business, or his church inspires awe and respect when the dust settles and the story is told.  You will become the man that other men look up to, women aspire to love, and children respect.

You may not have all the animals in Africa bow down to you as you stand gazing from a tall precipice or anything.  But living out your true destiny is pretty cool too.

Se Wa Teneo

Sorry to have dropped off the face of the earth like that.  It's something I do intermittently when I get the wind knocked out of me.  This time wasn't nearly as bad as it used to be.  This time, it was more of a blip on the map.  I just didn't call friends quite as often, and stopped blogging and Facebook-ing.  But not too long ago, it was quite a different story.

This is the way I see it:  All of us have a certain amount of emotional energy to expend, give or invest in our tanks.  For me, my initial allotment goes to Chatterbox right out of the gate, so I guard that and reserve it carefully, making sure that he will always get what he needs from me.  Then the remainder gets doled out -- job, family, friends, volunteer commitments, you get the picture (now, before all the Christians get riled up about the pecking order of things, I kind of look at my faith as a constant conversation with God that never turns off.  He's not on the list because without him I have no list.  He is the list...without Him, it all kind of evaporates).   What this means is when I receive a blow I wasn't expecting, I have to allot some of my "fuel" to deal with the Nasty.  It's like someone has siphoned fuel out of my tank, and there's not enough...so something or someone in my life has to go without for a minute.  It's not because I've stopped caring, it's just that there is only so much to give on any one day.

So I've learned that I can somewhat measure how I am doing with my healing process as to how much and to what extent I disappear when something bad happens.

It turns out that when a person goes through some kind of trauma (whether that be emotional, mental or physical), they go into kind of a survival mode.  They find reserves they didn't know they had in order to continue on in the face of the Nasty.  Some people take the Nasty and bury it deep inside so they can do better with their facade of normalcy.  But the problem is that the Nasty bores holes in their hearts and spirits...and the result is that it slowly eats them alive.  But the Nasty will eventually leak out....and when it does, it destroys everything in close proximity.

I decided early on through God's intervention that I was not going to go that route.  But the catch is, if you're going to deal with the Nasty as it comes, it is extremely hard work.  You have to be purposeful about it -- you have to pause and take time for introspection, and very carefully measure your response to the Nasty. 

That takes a lot of fuel from the tank.

So, anyway, I dealt with a lot of Nasty over a period of several years and it drained me to the dregs.  My tank was not only empty, but I was as dry as a 7-year drought.  I lived in survival mode for so long that it became my new normal. I knew I needed to find a better way.  Thankfully, this last year has been a season healing...of starting to come out of refugee-land and rejoining the world.  But although it has been necessary time, it has been a lonely time in many ways.  My social circle is smaller than it's ever been, and my friends know that weeks and months may go by without hearing from me.  The ones that are still around love me anyway, and for that I am thankful.  They know how battle-worn I am and that I sometimes need some time to let the tank start to move past the big E.

But the last few months, I have wised up to a few things.  This is not a place to stay in forever.  I realized that to really gain some momentum in my healing, I needed to venture back out in the world and be with people in a meaningful way.  I needed to start giving of myself again to others besides Chatterbox and my teeny tiny social circle.  I didn't feel like I could.  I thought, "There's just not enough in there to give right now."  My isolation was lonely, but it was safe and predictable...and not as scary as more people needing things from me that I knew I didn't have.

But God didn't put us on this rock to live in a Room.

God is kind of sneaky.  He speaks to me in all kinds of ways.  In the last couple of weeks, I've enjoyed some modes of entertainment that have touched on (actually, SHOUTED) this idea.  Chatterbox and I watched Tangled over the weekend, a retelling of the story of Rapunzel - the one with the girl who lives her life in a tower.  I also got my hands on a book called Room, which was recommended to me by my sister (who by the way, has one of the best blogs around, bar none).  It is a harrowing story of a woman kidnapped and held prisoner in a single room for years.  While in captivity, she becomes pregnant, and raises her son alone in this single room -- and it is the only universe this child knows until the age of 5.  The tale is told from his perspective, and is astounding in its honest portrayal of the perceived safety of a life in captivity.

Here's the takeaway.  When you live in just a Room, it limits everything you might have been.  Dreams become unnecessary because that might take you outside of the safety of the Room.  Inside, it is comfortable.  It is predictable.  Over time, the thought of anything else is downright terrifying.  But the truth is, whatever the circumstances of your captivity, there is only one person that can ultimately get you out.

You.

Every one of us at some time or another in our lives gets the short end of the stick.  We get beat up by the people who are supposed to love us.  We get treated unfairly.  Some are abused in the worst ways and some live through unimaginable pain. 

Because I feel I have some experience the area of pain, I can safely say this without hypocrisy:  What are you going to do about it?

"I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really...get busy livin'...or get busy dyin'."  - Andy Dufresne, "The Shawshank Redemption"

That's right.  Only you can make the choice to get on with it.  And don't kid yourself, it is a choice.  It's not something that happens to you, or that God will just drop into your lap like a neatly wrapped present.  You've got to do the thing that scares the crap out of you -- maybe not just one thing, but two or three or four.  You put yourself back into the world, because if you don't, you will never be the person you were meant to be.  You will never be the wife, the husband, the mother, the father or influencer you were supposed to become.
  
Ecclesiastes says there is a time for everything.  I've done lots of mourning and weeping lately...enough to last me for the rest of my life, if you want to know the truth.  But that season of my life is passing away, and something new is rising.  It is hope.  Hope is what make you move when you think you can't.  It is usually the catalyst for change, which is why some see it as salvation and others see it as dangerous.

For me, it is the permission to dream again.

Andy Dufresne's dream was to escape to Se Wa Teneo -- a village right on the Pacific...the sea with no memory.  It was a dangerous dream because of its audacity...its impossibility.  But for Andy, he knew if he couldn't find a way out, he would die.  Maybe not literally.  But he would cease to be himself...at least, the one that mattered.


It's the same for any one of us.  You can push your way out of your prison, however terrifying that may be; or put your dreams in a jar -- where they will be just another decoration on a shelf in your Room.

Once I gave myself permission to dream again, the first thing that I noticed was how much bigger they were than my dreams ten years ago.  The next thing that I noticed was that it didn't bother me that they would take significant time and effort from Yours Truly to come to fruition.  It's just time, after all.

Any dream that's worth having is bound to take some time, right?

Start your week with a love song

Sitting at Your feet is where I wanna be
I'm home when I am here with You
Ruined by Your grace, enamored by Your gaze
I can't resist the tenderness in You

I'm deep in love with You, Abba Father
I'm deep in love with You, Lord
My heart it beats for You, precious Jesus
I'm deep in love with You, Lord

Humbled and amazed that You would call my name
I never have to search again
There's a deep desire that's burning like a fire
To know You as my closest friend

I'm deep in love with You, Abba Father
I'm deep in love with You, Lord
My heart it beats for You, precious Jesus
I'm deep in love with You, Lord

I'm deep in love with You, Abba Father
I'm deep in love with You, Lord
My heart it beats for You, precious Jesus
I'm deep in love with You, Lord

Lord my redeemer, Your blood runs through my veins
My love for You is deeper than it was yesterday
I enter through the curtain and parted by Your grace
Lord You're the lover of my soul
You're the lover of my soul

I'm deep in love with You, Lord

I'm deep in love with You, Abba Father
I'm deep in love with You, Lord
My heart it beats for You, precious Jesus
I'm deep in love with You, Lord

Lyric, Michael W. Smith - "Deep in Love with You"

27 minutes

I have had a really tough week.  It has to do with several factors -- I started a new job, my little boy started  not one, but TWO new schools this week (kindergarten and an after-school program) and we're adapting to a totally new schedule.  On top of all that, some pretty major stuff got thrown into my face as it relates to my upcoming divorce settlement.  I mean major in a way that would make anyone who truly knows me and what I have been through in the last few years say, "NO, HE DID NOT...."

Yes, he did.

So I'm exhausted.  There is a part of me that is very thankful that my son is with his Daddy this weekend, because I'm SO exhausted in every way that I am glad I have a minute to catch my breath.  When I'm with Chatterbox, it's all about being strong and reassuring and letting him know that all is right with the world because Mommy will make it so.

I gave myself an hour this morning to be a lump on the couch and drink my coffee, but I had a ton of paperwork to gather in preparation for my response to the craziness that got unloaded on me this week.  I set a goal to be done with everything by 4ish so I could go to the pool and soak up some Vitamin D.  I once heard that the sun is the best anti-depressant.  And after the week I've had, nothing sounded better.

But, as it turns out, I was just finishing up at 5:15.  I was dressed in my bathing suit when I went to make some copies at the library, knowing that the pool doesn't close until 8.  I could still get my sun-time.

I drove up to the pool at 5:30, ready to enjoy my reward for an excruciating week and a Saturday that in no way resembled a day off.  As I walked up to the entrance, I noticed that the window was closed despite the fact that there were still some people at the pool.  Then I saw it - new hours posted as of August 15 reflecting a closing time of 6PM.

Oh, snap.

I can't really properly describe the extent of my disappointment.  I was looking forward to this all day.  Just a little bit of time to close my eyes, lay back, and let the sun melt away the stress of the week.  Is that too much to ask?

Apparently.

Well, I was just not having it.  They had some kind of nerve closing the front window with 30 minutes left until closing.  So, I decided, the HELL with this.

I'm going to the pool.  Today.  Even if it's just for 27 minutes.

The locker room door wasn't locked.  I walked in like I owned the place.  Barbie and Skipper, the lifeguards, were in there starting to Lysol the showers.  They were chatting about some adolescent nonsense, and on any other day, I might have thought it was sweet.  But they both made eye contact with me as I passed, and I could tell that they were about to caution me that closing time was right around the corner.

I very purposefully looked at one, then the other, and gave them the major stink-eye.  Don't even try it Barbie.  Skipper, I will take you down to Chinatown.  I am going to the pool today...I dare you to tell me not to come in.

They picked up on the not-so-subtle non-verbal cues.

I walked right to a lounger, plopped my stuff down, and immediately jumped in the pool.  One of my favorite things in the world is floating on my back in the cool water while the sun beats down on my face.  I am really good at floating.  And it's quiet when your ears are submerged in the water--my own little sensory deprivation chamber except for the sun illuminating the inside of my eyelids.

Then I got out of the pool and laid down on my towel draped across the lounger.  Every five minutes, some teenager would announce how many minutes were left until closing.  Every time I would hear it, I would smile....just  laying there in the sun, palms open to it, soaking it in, letting it burn away the pain of so much forced change on me and my son.  Sorry, Barbie and Skipper.  I am not leaving this chair until 6:00.

Finally, I forced myself into a sitting position to gather my things with the last of the stragglers.  As I walked out the side exit, I saw Barbie in the office, glaring at the few annoying people who were delaying her evening plans.

I smiled and winked at her, just for fun.

As it turns out, 27 minutes is just enough.

It hurts

I watch my son as he walks ahead of me...excited...smiling...ready.

I know this should make me proud.  I know that even if he hits a rough patch today, he will wipe his tears away and recover.  I know that he is an amazingly happy, social kid that he will adjust to this change, just as he has with all the others.

I know what the healthy response to this day is.  I know I should pat myself on the back that I have prepared him well for this day.  I know that all parents survive this moment.  I know that he can't be with me forever.

But none of that matters as I watch the blond hairs on the crown of his head bounce like happy dandelions as he walks with purpose just a step ahead of me.

All I know is there is not an ocean big enough that can hold the amount of heartache I feel right at this moment.