Easter for Dummies

Like any holiday, Easter's true origin tends to get lost in the giddiness of a little extra time off work, gifts for children, and a wee bit of excess in the food and drink department.  But even as a Christian, I spent many years of my life knowing why we celebrate Easter without truly embracing one of the most basic concepts of why it is such a big deal.  So, because I think everything worth reading should be entertaining, I thought I would break down the message of Easter for someone who might not really "get it" in a very non-Bible-speak kind of way. 

 

Ironically, many Christians fall into this category.   I know this because I was one of those people for a long time...which is why I can call this post "Easter for Dummies" with a healthy degree of humility, as I was once the said "dummy."

 

Here goes.

 

God created humanity because He wanted someone to love, who would love Him back.   He wanted to share eternity with others...a community.   Even though He could have created us with a built-in chip to adore and serve Him automatically, He didn't.  Instead, He gave us a choice.

 

So man chose.   He chose his own way, because it holds the illusion of power.   His choices were sometimes good...but mostly they were selfish and flawed...choices that took him on a path further and further from his best Friend...his only Friend that loved him just because.

 

He knew we would choose this when He created us.   He created us anyway.

 

So He decided to make a Way. What I mean is, He wanted to make a way for mankind to find his way back to this unconditionally loving relationship.

 

Sin was a wedge that forced distance between Creator and the created.   This was an unacceptable loss for Him, because of how deeply He loved us.   So first, there was the Law.

 

The way it worked is that the shedding of blood would pay for man's sins and reconcile him to a divine God.  He reached out to our fathers of old, namely Moses, about the methods that were required to shed the blood of animals so that our sin could be paid for and, in effect, remove the wedge between us.   But this was problematic.   Man kept sinning, which meant the blood kept spilling.  He just couldn't help himself. 

 

There had to be a better Way.   So the first community...the one that existed before mankind...the "Big Three"...made a decision that would change everything.  Now, as to how and when that decision was actually made, I don't know. Maybe They always knew it would have to come to this: there would be one final sacrifice...one which would supersede every one that had ever been made, and that could ever be made.

 

They would sacrifice Themselves for man.   Jesus, God's son...one member of the eternal, perfect Trinity, would choose to tear Himself from a perfect heaven and perfect fellowship to be made flesh, and ultimately sacrifice Himself to pay the price for mankind's sin...once and for all.   What drove Them to decide such a thing?

 

I think maybe it was the fact that They knew we need a God who really understands the human journey.  Who understands physical pain, hardship, disappointment, betrayal and loss --  not only because He created us, but because He chose to live a human life like us.

 

Or maybe, it was just because of mind-bending, crazy love for you.  For me.

 

So that's exactly what happened.   Jesus made Himself flesh.   He lived a human life, but amazingly, miraculously, without sin.   He transformed the lives of everyone He touched.  He healed sick and dying people.   He accepted and embraced the rejects of society.   He bucked the religious system and got in the faces of hypocritical religious leaders and exposed them for who they were.   He was betrayed by those in his closest circle of friends who couldn't fully understand why He came in the first place -- to die.

 

He was crucified -- the most barbaric means of execution imaginable -- by the very people He came to save.

 

That day, after unspeakable torture, trembling from physical pain, in agony from being separated from the Trinity, with the sins of mankind heavy on His heart, Jesus pleaded with His Father to forgive His executioners.

 

That's love.

 

They put His body in a grave.   But a grave could not hold Him.

 

He rose from the dead.   And that, my friend, is the difference between the Christian God versus all the others.  He wasn't just a great man that had a lot of good things to say and set a wonderful example of how to live.  He was dead for three days...but He defeated Death.  You can't go somewhere and put flowers on Jesus' grave...because there isn't one.   Jesus' resurrection is one of the most well-documented actual single events in the written historical record.   Most people don't realize that, but it is, in fact, the case (as a side note, you should check out Lee Strobel's book, "The Case For Christ" for more on that subject. It is a very interesting topic no matter what you believe).

 

This one act...the sacrifice of the perfect Lamb of God (as the Bible calls Him) broke the obligation of the Law once and for all.   No more animal sacrifices, no more going through a High Priest in a temple to talk to, or hear from, God.  No more exclusivity.

 

Did you catch that?

 

Israel was, and always will be God's chosen nation.  But Jesus' sacrifice made a relationship with God, and eternity with Him, available to everyone.   Every single person from every single nation.

 

So, finally, your mother is right.

 

We're all special.

 

Nobody is more special to God than the next person.   He adores each of us with a love so great that He allowed His own Son to be sacrificed.   And you know what I think?

 

If I was the only person on earth that needed to be saved from my own sin, He still would made that same sacrifice.   He loves me that much.  That's why I love Him back.   But many, many people don't.

 

He knew many would choose indifference over love and devotion to Him even when He sacrificed His Son.

 

He did it anyway.

 

But He is always waiting.   Always loving.  Always hoping that every single one of us will realize that in His arms is the best gift you can ever imagine: unconditional love and acceptance without having to be perfect.

 

Let me say that again.   He knows you're not perfect...that you will never be perfect.  Not in this life.   He loves you anyway.

 

He made a way for you to be with Him always.   Here on earth through his Spirit. Then someday for eternity.   You can't earn it.   It's a gift.   It costs you nothing.

 

It cost Him everything.

 

This is where lots of folks get mixed up with the whole God thing.   It's an easy mistake to make.  I know, because I made it for a lot of years.   It's the "earn it" approach to salvation.   We are conditioned to believe this because this is generally how people are hard wired.   If I am good enough, or perform well enough, or work at it long enough, I will be loved and respected by those around me.  That's human.

 

But...He isn't.  His love is beyond your ability to perform.   To produce results.   To be work so hard at being good that you are just plain tired.

 

So I'm going to say something that flies in the face of religiosity in general.  Before you get all upset with me, you should really check out the first four books of the new Testament, because Jesus was ruffling the feathers of religious people all the time.

 

Here it is.   You can never be good enough for God to hang out with.   Neither can I.  If we were, we wouldn't have needed the Law and we sure wouldn't have needed a Savior.   But He knew we could never be good enough.   We always get in our own way of achieving that.

 

So you can rest now.   You can stop.  Stop trying to earn something that you've already been given.

 

All you have to do is accept an invitation.

 

That's it.   That's Easter.

 

It's the invitation of your life.   You can put it on your refrigerator to remind you to respond later.   You can file it away with the bills and hope it doesn't get thrown out by accident.   Heck, you can even throw it away without opening it.  But if you never even open it and examine the offer itself after what was sacrificed to deliver it your door, that would just be...well, rude. 

 

I'll throw out this analogy.   My child doesn't like ice cream.   At least, that's what he says.   He's never actually tried ice cream.  I mean, maybe when he was a toddler...but at some point, it had been a long time since he'd had some and he forgot how it tasted.   He only knew that he didn't like the way it looked.   So he decided it's not for him.   He doesn't want to try it, therefore he doesn't like it.

 

But that's not true, is it?

 

The truth is, he doesn't know if he likes it or not.   He's making a judgement call based on how the food looks or smells...or maybe based on what someone he knows has said about ice cream (though I can't imagine who).   The end result is that he is missing out on one of the life's yummiest treats.

 

Now that's OK, mind you.   My son can live without ice cream.  But if he really knew what it tasted like...if he would just be brave enough to take a bite...not a wimpy, half-hearted lick of some remnants on a spoon...he could finally make an educated decision that would make sense.

 

But he hasn't.   Ultimately it's his choice.   He may never try ice cream again.  And that would just be sad.

 

See where I'm going with that?

 

Easter is kind of like that reminder about the invitation you haven't responded to...so maybe give it some thought.  Open it.  Read it.

 

And consider a RSVP.

Anniversary

Yesterday, I started out on my drive to Alabama for the Thanksgiving holiday with excitement as well as dread.   Although I was pleasantly surprised to have the opportunity to leave work early to get on the road one day earlier than planned, I knew that there was the distinct possibility that I may sit in heavy traffic for hours along with innumerable commuters on their way to turkey dinners far and wide.  At the last minute, I decided to change my route and drive county roads all the way in.  It might take another 45 minutes on the overall trip time, but at least my chances of moving at a snail's pace in bumper-to-bumper traffic on the Interstates would be greatly diminished. 

It was a good choice.  Once I left the suburbs, I moved along at a nice clip...no traffic.  Ben was in a great mood, singing along to the radio.  I began to relish the scenery that only a country drive can offer...dilapidated barns, cotton fields, horse farms, rolling hills and quaint town squares in one-stoplight towns.  These sorts of drives are like medicine for the soul for a South-Alabama girl like me...and I admit it always makes me long for a simpler life.  I love my city living...but I need frequent escapes that put some gravel in my travel to keep me sane.

I glanced in the rear view mirror to see Ben drifting off to sleep.  Just as sunset was approaching, I noticed a roadside sign on a particularly gorgeous stretch of Route 411:  "This is the original Trail of Tears," it read.  I was somewhat excited and a bit awed as I considered the historical significance of the hallowed ground I had inadvertently stumbled upon.  I smiled as I realized the irony of driving this route on Thanksgiving...a time of remembering the colonists' original alliance with the Native Americans as they attempted to navigate this New World.   Then I found myself imagining a later time when tribes of Native Americans had walked across that very soil so many years ago...a broken people driven from the only home they had ever known, with no hope that life would ever be the same.   A deep sadness gripped me as I considered the immensity of that event in the lives of those people.  What loss.  How often in the years of their lives that followed did those individuals raise their voices in question to the Great Spirit...why did this happen to us?  What will become of us?

Then it hit me.   It was November 21. 

My divorce became final exactly one year ago.

I am not really big on anniversaries.  Particularly if they commemorate something sad.  I mean, it is hard enough to experience loss and sadness the first time.  So I don't feel the need to do it all over again every year on that date -- in my opinion, it defeats the purpose of moving on.  So, honestly, I hadn't given it much thought that I was approaching the year anniversary of my divorce.  But I couldn't help feeling that it wasn't an accident that I decided to map out an alternate route for my trip this year.  It was not an accident that I happened upon the Trail of Tears on this day.  As usual, God was using something ordinary to convey something extraordinary.

I considered my own Trail of Tears that I had travelled over a period of years as I approached that landmark day in my life...when an immense chapter in my story of who I am as a woman...as a believer...as a mother...ended with a single piece of paper. 

So much grief on that journey...uncertainty about my future...the deepest loss I have ever experienced.  And even the question.  I don't think there is a person that has ever lived that didn't have a moment on the mat with his Maker, shouting this question with clenched fists.  Or maybe that person is just so broken that it only escapes his lips in the weakest of whispers.

Why, Lord?

I'd love to tell you on the other side of my Trail of Tears that I have the answer to that question.

But I don't.

I want to share with you the answers I did find in my journey...at least, so far.  But I'd like to shift my statements to refer to any of my readers that are knee deep in it.  I mean, you are in the fight of your life.  Maybe it's divorce.  Maybe it's the death of someone you love.  Maybe it's just that life is dealing you so much crap right now that you are just not sure you are going to make it.  I want to share these things with you because I don't think these revelations are just for me.  I think they are for anyone who will open their hands to receive it.  It is my gift to you on this Thanksgiving Day.

Here goes.

You are the strongest person you know.  You may not realize this.  That's OK.  But every time you fight the urge to pull the covers over your head and choose to get up and show up for life instead, you get a little bit stronger.  Making that choice gets easier every day...not because your circumstances have changed, but because of the mental and emotional muscles that you are building over time.

The pain that you are living with right now is a gift...IF you open your heart and mind to hear the lessons it teaches.  If you bottle or ignore this pain...if you do not become Pain's friend and get to know all of its varying shades and what they can bring to the surface in you...it will slowly eat you alive.  It will turn you into someone you do not recognize.  You will lose yourself.  But if you choose to embrace the pain...let it all the way in...an amazing thing happens.  You survive.  It doesn't swallow you up.  It may take weeks or months...but there's no real shortcut.  You have to move THROUGH it to get to the other side.  And in doing so, you will know yourself better than you ever have.  This knowledge can protect you from choosing future paths that could potentially bring you more pain.  And there is a bonus:  you will be uniquely qualified to empathize with others and bring healing to their lives as well.   

Chances are, you are on a Trail of Tears because another person has hurt you deeply.  After all, nothing can take you lower than someone you love and trust driving the figurative knife into your heart, right?  So when you do come out on the other side, it can be a little scary.  It is tempting to live with your walls up...because it's one thing to survive this kind of pain once, but it's another thing to put yourself at risk for surviving it twice.  This may be the tough to take on some level...but don't cry to the world about how lonely you are when you'll only talk to others through the keyhole in your door. 

The truth is, there is only one way you can truly find out if you can trust someone...and that is, to trust them.  People hurt people.  This will always be true.  But there are good, loving people in the world that will live life alongside you and color your world beautiful just by being near you.  You can only find those people by letting them get close enough, long enough to get to know their heart.  It IS possible to do this with caution, and at your own pace.  But holding people at arms-length indefinitely robs you of the joy that can only come with intimate relationships with other human beings. 

Finally, God is smarter than we are.  Period.  So, frankly, trusting Him should be a no-brainer.  When you do, everything changes.  Every.  Single.  Thing.  In the best possible way.

I don't know why terrible things happen to us.  But the Bible really does give us a pretty good idea about who God is.  He loves us more than an earthly parent loves his own child.  Therefore, our pain is His pain.   He mourns with us in our grief.  But because we live in a broken world with broken people, we will get hurt.  We just...will.  And because He is our Father, He will pick up His wounded children who run to Him...and care for us tenderly until we are whole again.  Then, when we are stronger, He will send us on a new adventure knowing full well that life still gets ugly.  Life brings pain.

But it also brings beauty.  And joy.  And love.

So if we embrace these revelations...if we allow them to work their way into our hearts and inform our decisions...I have to believe that when we reach the end of our journey where we take the measure of our lives...we will ultimately determine that the pain was worth it.

The Trail of Tears isn't the end of the road.  But we do have to walk it end to end to get to the next leg of the journey.

Keep going.

My son's prayer

How do I measure how I'm doing as a parent?

Is it how healthy my son eats?  How well-mannered he is?  Is he keeping up with his peers socially and academically?   Does he exhibit empathy for others?   If his clothes don't match on picture day, does that count against me?  If he isn't reading on his grade level, am I failing him?  Do I fall short in spending quality time with him?  Do I hug and kiss him too much?

Mothers have these thoughts.  We do.  We don't like to admit it, because it makes us sound like neurotic over-thinkers.  But that's not really the case (at least, most of the time).  We just love our babies, and we want them to be successful.

I've come a long way in giving myself a break as a mom.  I have realized that I am not perfect, and that's OK (hence the name of my blog).  I live every day in grace, because I have learned something really important.  Something lots of people never really take hold of.   In fact, it's something that skeptics think only the weak can embrace.

But I'm here to tell you, I've never felt stronger.  Wanna know what it is?

First, let me take you back to a day about three years ago when I sat in the kitchen of a female spiritual mentor of mine shortly after my decision to move toward divorce from my then-husband.  I sat with tears streaming down my face, having lost so much weight from stress that a size 2 was too big, utterly devastated with the knowledge that my life as I knew it was over.  My family was broken.  My son would never remember his parents as happy, loving partners.  But there was something I got to learn during that time...FINALLY, completely, down to my core, got to learn.  And this is the gist of what I said to her:

I've been a believer for most of my life, but I never really understood trust in God the way I do now.  I trust Him completely, not because I am brave, or wise.  It is because I have no other choice.  I am at the end of myself.  I realize that the only way I can survive this is to rely on Him one second at a time, because I literally don't know how to get to to the next one without Him carrying me.  I don't have any strength left...none.  And now, when I should feel like I'm about to fall off the edge of a cliff and never find my way out, I feel at peace.  Because I know that the fact that I am still standing is only possible because God is holding me up.  So you know what?  I'm glad.  I'm glad this is happening to me.  Because some people live their whole lives in utter confusion trying to do everything in their own power.  But I get to find this out at 37, and not when I'm gasping for my last breath at 85.  So I'm thankful.

So now, we fast forward to the woman I am today, at this point in my journey.  My life is infinitely happier than it was when I sat on that bar stool in my friend's kitchen.  I literally can't believe how God has blessed my life in so many ways since then.  Because of that, I am a very thankful person. 

And most importantly, I am always mindful of the fact that I am totally and completely screwed without Jesus.  That's the thing I learned.  It doesn't sound like a deep spiritual truth.  It doesn't rhyme.  It's not on one of those e-card things that people post on Facebook.  But oh, my friends, please believe me when I say that there is nothing truer.

Some days I feel like I am missing the mark as a parent.  The only quality time I may get with my son is when I sit with him to his homework.  I may give him a hot dog and gummies for dinner.  He may go a weekend without real time with his friends because I wasn't organized enough to think ahead and plan a play date. 

But in the end, I pray that I am living my life in such a way that my son will know at the center of his being that there is a God in heaven who will carry him through every single thing that happens to Him until his dying day...and as such, He can be trusted.

A little less than a year ago, my son was diagnosed with ADD.  Kindergarten was a struggle that I can't fully convey.  My very agreeable, very respectful child came home with low marks for behavior and sad faces from art and PE teachers.  Homework resembled some sort of slow torture for him as well as his dad and me.  He would cry almost Sunday night in anticipation of the coming school week, saying that he didn't want to learn...that learning made him sad.  After pushing for in-school testing, we were able to have him approved for learning in a small group setting for approximately half his day.  Things got somewhat better after that...but still, it was a difficult time.  Any parent will tell you that there is nothing more heartbreaking than to watch your child struggle so and lose his joy over something you cannot control.

We tried medication.  While it helped somewhat, he began to lose weight from a lack of appetite.  We eventually decided to take him off the medicine when we started to see the hip bones jutting out on our already thin child.

I began trying some supplements over the summer.  I felt like he was improving, but it was hard to tell in a summer camp setting, when no real structure or workload was imposed on him.  The real test would come when he started first grade. 

And here we are...almost two months into the school year.  And amazingly, my little trooper is receiving rave reviews.  He receives above-average behavior ratings several times a month.  He does his homework almost completely independently, and he is reading at his grade level now.  He received a behavior reward for "Respect" in a school assembly just two weeks ago.

To which I say...I don't know what happened.  All I can say is that I am both astounded and thankful.  There's no one factor that can definitively explain the change in my son's ability to perform at school.  It's probably a combination of lots of things.  But I can tell you that I pray about this issue with my son.  We lift it up to God's hands to help him through his day.  When we pray, I say, "we can't do it without You, Jesus!"  Because we can't.  I know this from experience. 

Now that I've framed this story properly, I want to share my son's prayer at bedtime tonight...and my measuring stick as a parent became a bit clearer as a result:

Dear Jesus, thank you for a good day.  I trust you to help me sit quietly when it's time.  You help me to listen to my teachers and do what they say when they say it just once.  Thank you.

I walked out of his room completely humbled.  My baby trusts Jesus completely...with something that may just represent the biggest struggle in his six-year-old existence.

Maybe I'm doing OK after all.

5 adorable things my kid said this week

Well, there are only so many posts you can make on Facebook about cute little things your kids say without someone somewhere starting to roll their eyes.  So, I'm putting them on my blog instead for the people that really care to know these things.  And I am going to list them countdown-style like Letterman...just for kicks.

5.  I was annoyed because someone left a small flyer on my windshield and I didn't notice it until I had already pulled out onto the road.  He asked me why I didn't pull it off, and I said I would have to wait until we stopped the car.  As we passed Zaxby's, he suggested, "You could pull over into this Zax-ophone's parking lot and do it." 

4.  After getting out of the car the other day, we stopped to pet our cat, Georgie.  "She needs a friend.  Don't coyotes really like cats?" he asked.  "Um, not in that way.  They like to eat cats,"  I replied.  He thought about that for a minute, then said.  "Not the coyotes around here, Mom.  They speak a different language.  Like Spanish or something."  Six-year-old logic is staggering in its complexity.

3.  He has been asking for a dog for a while now.  As this is not something that is financially feasible for us at the moment, we brainstormed this morning about some other options.  "How about a cockroach?" he suggested.  "I like how they have those wiggly things that come out of their nose." (antennae)  Um, no.

2.  A couple of days ago, I spotted him walking out of his room with a button-down shirt, a ball cap and a fanny pack on.  He said, "Well, I've got some dilligrams (telegrams) here that I need to deliver to our neighbors.  Wanna come?"  He opened the fanny pack and showed me some slips of paper with his name on them.  "So this is the message you are sending to everyone?  Your name?"  I asked to clarify.  "Of course," he replied, "because they are going to want to know who I am."

1. His teacher stopped me yesterday to tell me this one.  He and his classmates went to the pool, and were standing in a particularly long line on the concession stand.  When it was finally his turn to order, he stepped up and said to the woman at the window, "I just want to say thank you for your service today."  His teacher said that the woman almost started crying and asked where in the world this sweet little boy came from. 

I know just what she means.

It is...He didn't...we are...and I am

So, as most of you know from my extensive anticipatory Facebook posts over the previous two weeks, I am at the beach.  BY MYSELF.  There's a first for everything, and this is one of those things that has been on my personal to-do list for quite some time.

There is a rather large number of women out there that would never attempt a vacation by themselves.  This is because we are...well, women.  Women are generally very social creatures that love to talk.  A lot.  To men, to each other, and if you're a wierdo like me, to ourselves.  So vacationing alone means you've got to be able relax into the silence, which can be a challenge.  Also, there tends to be a bit of trepidation for us when considering traveling alone because of the everyday dangers for women in the world because of bush-lurkers.  You know, the bad people who lurk behind bushes and prey on women who have the nerve to be out in the world alone at any given time.

Then, there is a smaller percentage of women that aspire to take a vacation alone, but either never get around to it or chicken out.   This aspiration usually exists in 1) women under 25 with limited responsibility and more disposable income, or 2) in mothers who are overworked, overtired, under-appreciated and generally needed by someone, somewhere, at any given moment of the day.  To the former group the prospect of a vacation alone sounds adventurous, empowering, and presents opportunities to meet interesting men outside of your social circle.  To the latter, it holds appeal because it involves hours and hours of complete silence, eating warm food while sitting down, and actually choosing to watch a movie that was not made by Pixar.  Oh, and peeing without a miniature person walking in to have a conversation with you.  That's a plus.

Then there is the small number of women in whose company I now reside...the ones that make it happen.  Even if it means eating peanut butter and jelly the whole time you're actually on that vacation because just the fuel to get there is so dadgum expensive.  Even if you only get ten paid days off per year, which you really feel like you should save to use for quality time with your family or emergencies.  Even if you miss your kid like crazy.  Even if you know the nights may feel a little lonelier than they do in your own house.  I'm not complaining, mind you...because I am downright ecstatic that I am here right now.  I'm just saying that it's not an easy thing to pull off, and tempting to talk yourself out of.

But sometimes you just really, really need to put yourself in a quiet place to see what you might hear.

First, I just have to say that I love driving long distances by myself.  I enjoy listening to loud music in the car and sing along just as loudly.  I drink coffee and snack way more than I do at home.  I take the long rural routes instead of the Interstates.  I stop by the side of the road to take pictures.  I mosey.  It's downright heavenly.  I did all this, and more, today on my leisurely drive to the Alabama coastline.

I arrived at the beach house at around 6:15 PM and was on the beach by 6:35 PM.   Just in time for sunset hour.  I would usually have a novel on hand to immediately dive into for the weekend -- another rare indulgence for a single mom with very limited free time.   And while I do have the obligatory novel in my suitcase, my foremost goal for this trip is a little different.  I need some focused time with God.

My life has been completely rehashed in the last two years.  And frankly, the only way that I am still in one piece is God.  I know this is true more than I know anything.  But even though I was raised saturated in the teachings of Christ, and my faith permeates all that I am and hope to be as a woman and as a mother, I waiver in my walk...usually without even realizing it.  I struggle with my need to feel some control over my life.  I sometimes have trouble letting God hold all the cards.  Even when I know what my life looks like when I insist on holding onto them myself.

I guess it is just really hard to live by faith all the time.  But that is what we are called to do as believers...so it's something I've got to keep working on.  Or rather, NOT working on.  Because the only way we can really be in His will is to let go.  I have to do my part to make smart decisions that line up with God's Word of course, but then...let go.

As I sat on the beach watching the birds dive for fish this evening, I recalled a day on this same beach about three years ago.  I brought Chatterbox with me on a trip down here shortly after his father and I separated.  At the time, we were still living in the same house due to the fact that I could not find work to support myself...and it was an incredibly stressful experience as I was forced to process what next steps may be coming without the benefit of a real step back from the situation.

I remembered watching my three-year-old son run back and forth from water to the sand, making little piles in some sort of pattern that made sense to him.  Suddenly, I was filled with grief as I considered the very real possibility that I would never again share a moment like that with my son's father.  I would never sit with him on a vacation and laugh about our son's silly little antics, holding hands...making plans...being a family.  I was going to have to learn how to be alone...in my finances, in life decisions, and in how to be there for my son as a single parent for the million important things that would happen in his young life.  But in that moment of grief and fear, God spoke to my heart very clearly.

This is going to be hard.  But I won't let you break.  You are both going to be OK.  You will experience many more beautiful moments like this with your son -- and be happy.

Fast forward to today.

It is really hard.  But He didn't let me break.  We are both OK...and I AM happy.

God keeps His promises.  He knows what He is doing.  So maybe letting go is not such a bad thing after all.

What love requires

Most of you are aware that I recently decided to pursue a second college degree in the area of Child Life (under the umbrella of Human Development and Family Studies).  It was a surprisingly easy decision to make once I felt sure that I had found the field that I could be passionate about for the rest of my (working) life.  

One of my lofty goals for this weekend was to complete my "personal statement," or essay, to include with my application to the programs I am interested in.  It was no surprise that the sermon at church today provided me with just the right inspiration to frame the subject matter.  Keep in mind this is not a final draft, but I thought I'd post it as a blog entry for your enjoyment.

As a candidate for this program, I feel inclined to share my answer to a question I have heard more than once since making my decision to pursue a second college degree.  The answer to the question is better understood in the context of its preceding and following statements, as typically heard in response to my description of what may be expected of me as a Child Life Specialist.

“That is SO perfect for you!  But are you SURE this is really what you want to do?  Because there is no way I could do it. ”

It is a fair question, and one that deserves an answer from not only me, but every candidate who chooses to enter the field of Child Life.   After all, not every person has the desire, wherewithal, and emotional stamina to stand alongside children ensconced in a battle that brings every parent’s worst nightmare to life.

Thousands of families are faced with unspeakable journeys of pain every day as children are diagnosed with chronic or terminal illness.   I have gained some life experience in this area, some direct and some indirect.   As a child, my best friend’s sister died of leukemia at the age of seven.  Our families were very close…even our mothers were best friends.  In fact, not a day went by when we were not all together in some capacity.   Abbie’s long battle with cancer reverberated throughout my childhood as a lesson in bravery, loss, and how life, however inconceivably, goes on.

I have also experienced this journey through the eyes of the elderly and their adult children while working for a home care company.   The experience of standing shoulder to shoulder with families facing the end of their loved ones’ journeys has been one of the most rewarding of my life.   With so many factors out of their control, I was able to use my knowledge and objectivity to assist them in taking control of the decisions within their power while accepting the truths that were not.

Finally, my answer can be summed up by answering a different question altogether, as heard today from a man that I greatly admire and respect.  The question was, “What does love require of you?”   While each person’s answer will be different, here is mine.

Love requires that I model the life choices that I hope my son will someday make.  As such, I must choose a career that utilizes my true passions, increases my financial stability and, above all, enables me to affect others in a positive, life-changing way.  Love requires that I use my life experiences to help someone survive theirs.  Love requires that I choose to walk through the valley of the shadow of death with someone who didn’t get to choose to be there.

So, in a word…yes.  I am sure this is what I want to do.

Sanctuary

You may recall a post I did some months ago in which I invited you to join me in one of my twilight runs on a closed road not far from my home.  I have visited this stretch of road countless times in the last 20 months as not only a place to get some exercise, but a sanctuary to escape the chaos of my life.

You see, I live in a densely populated suburb of Atlanta, and a road to run on without the smell of exhaust or the sound of cars whizzing by is difficult, if not impossible, to find.  When I first moved to this area, it was not unusual to go on my walk there and never see another person or car.  But as time has passed and more people began to discover its level pavement, great view and gift of peace and quiet, it was not unusual to see 3 or 4 folks in varied stages of their walks along this route.  But it is still downright blissful.

It is appropriate to add at this point that I am now a preschool teacher, and most of you already know I have a very active, very talkative five-year-old.  So moments of real quiet are a gift that I do not take for granted.

A few months back, I started hearing murmurings of a new developer coming to pick up where the last one left off on the huge plot of acreage that adjoins this road.  That could only mean one thing.  My sanctuary's days were numbered.  Construction would soon begin, and inevitably, the city officials would have no other option than to finish off this road and open it to traffic.   Of course, that only makes sense.  It will likely make a significant impact on lessening congestion on the two heavily-traveled roads it intersects.  But from a purely selfish perspective, I felt sad knowing that I would only have so many more runs on this stretch of road -- at least in its current state.

Then we heard the news...the road will reopen this Monday.

With the dreaded event looming, Chatterbox joined in the pouting.  He rides his bike up and down this road often after school with me walking alongside him, talking about our day and pretending to be on a treasure hunt.  As a mom, not having to worry about a car whipping out of nowhere has allowed me to enjoy this time together without being hyper-vigilant.  Friday we ventured out on what would undoubtedly be our last bike ride together on that road.  This is how our conversation went:

"Mom, we don't want the road to be open, right?"

"No, we don't."

"Well, let's talk to these workers right here (points to two men putting up a road sign) and tell them not to open it.  They will understand.  Let's go..."

"Ummm...it doesn't really work like that, buddy."

"Why?"

"Well it's not their decision.  They are just doing their job."

"Then who makes the decision?"

"You know how Whoville had a mayor in that movie?  Well, our city has a mayor too and I imagine that is the person who makes the final decision."

"Ok, well is the mayor still in his office?  Let's go now..."

If life were only that simple.

Then, I said my goodbyes yesterday on my final solo run.  As I listened to the rhythm of my feet on the pavement, I thought of the many conversations I had with God here.  How I spent time working through my own garbage before I tossed it out.  How I spent every pace of some runs just...listening.  Listening to hear what He might have to say.  About everything.  My fears, my job, my goals, my desperation for healing...absorbing His goodness, wisdom, and peace.

Understanding more than ever His greatness...and my smallness.  And how despite that disparity, He loves and cherishes me...even more than I cherish my own son.

Stick with me for a sec, because I don't want to lose you if you're not really a religious kind of person.  If you ever REALLY get that...if you let that into your being and process it, at least as much as we can process that kind of information...it will change your reality.  God will no longer be a concept, or something for other people...something for later when you have kids, or a subject to debate about over a glass of wine.  It is a knowledge that, once known, will forever alter who you are.  As a parent, I don't understand a love that can supersede what I feel and experience every day for my own child.  But I'll tell you what -- if there is a love like that to be found...and I believe with my whole heart that there is...I want it.  I need it.  Because that is a game-changer.  No matter what I do, no matter how much I fail or how much I succeed...no matter how far I run away from it, and even if I cease to accept it...He will love me.

Love changes everything.

This is why I know that if my sanctuary is taken away, God will make sure I find a new one.  You might have heard this little ditty: when God closes a door, He opens a window.  Many of us have experienced this in our lives...how we go through a season of darkness and we cannot see a way around it, over it or even through it, but somehow God makes a way.  Or how people seem to drift in and out of our lives for no good reason...other than they are exactly what we needed in that one specific season of our lives.

You know how when a certain subject comes up multiple times in a few days, and you get the feeling that somebody's trying to tell you something?  Well, the subject of manna is the headline of late for me.  Do you know what manna is?  Exodus tells the story of how God once fed the nation of Israel by causing manna, or a kind of edible substance that could be made into bread, to fall from the sky as they wandered in the wilderness.

Anyway, some of the folks got smart and tried to gather up enough to store, because they were living in fear of tomorrow.  Despite the fact that they had exactly what they needed to survive today.  I can just hear their inner dialogue:  "What if manna doesn't fall tomorrow?  Then I'll be hungry.  My kids will be hungry.  This Moses guy is nothing but trouble..."

But you know what happened?  The stored food went bad.  Fast.  And God got a little peeved with His people.  Because their actions were a reflection of their lack of faith.  Faith that He knew what they needed, and would provide it when they needed it.  Never early.  Never late.  Just in time.

He's got it under control.  And if I still need a physical version of a sanctuary to receive certain revelations from God, I'm fairly certain I will find one.  Because He loves me.  No big theological points to make here.

He just...loves me.


So, I will not say goodbye to my sanctuary.  See you 'round seems more appropriate.

The bird's-eye view of my sanctuary yesterday evening

Beautiful Death

Something I loved died today.

I woke up and got ready as I would do any other day, keeping in mind that I had an important appointment to attend.  I showered and drank my coffee in silence -- no TV or music to accompany my routine on this day.  I dressed appropriately for the occasion, although I made my wardrobe choices unconsciously.  Donning dark gray pants and a gray on gray striped sweater, I walked outside to find that the world was covered in the thickest fog I have ever seen in daylight.  As a result, I prepared myself for a possibly tense drive over the next hour or so to my destination during the always excruciating Atlanta rush hour.

I began my drive with a local radio station, and found that it was a bit too chipper for my mood.  I instead hit the button to switch to the CD in the player, a collection of piano concertos.  Better.  I tried to keep my mind blank as I drove through the blanket of mist.  But after about 20 minutes of that, I knew I needed to let myself be in the moment of what would happen today, and what it would finally mean.

I was on my way to a courthouse where a total stranger would sign a piece of paper that says what I have known for longer than I care to admit...my marriage is over.  Legally...officially...over.

I have had to fight a battle I never could have anticipated in a million years to get to this day...sacrificed security, sanity, immeasurable emotional energy and thousands of dollars (some earned, but most borrowed) to make this day a reality.  What a strange irony it has been to fight so hard and invest so much in something that I never, ever wanted.

Have you ever noticed that death is sort of beautiful?  You may understand what I mean if you have ever  lingered at the bedside of someone who is actively dying, especially if it is an elderly person or someone who has had ample time to prepare themselves and their loved ones for their passing.   I have experienced this very thing, and I felt so blessed, so....AWED that I was able to witness and participate in such a sacred journey.

It is a very different experience, however, when you are with someone who has not accepted their time to pass, or someone who is being taken before their time because of a terrible event or accident.  In this circumstance, death is a violent thing to watch...so many people fighting to save a body that has already declared that it has finished its work and has nothing left to give.  Sometimes death is cheated; but, more often, it is only delayed.  The body knows when it's time to go -- you can talk to any hospice nurse and they can tell you this is true.  The appetite disappears, because digestion becomes impossible.  Vitals slow and organs shut down.   The person will often claim to have conversations with loved ones who have already passed, or even talk about leaving for a trip, sleeping with their legs swinging over the side of the bed, as if ready to jump up at a moment's notice.  Natural death, when left to its own progression, can be quite peaceful.  Everything inside the body finally just goes to sleep.

It is when we seek to force something that is dying to soldier on in the land of the living that things get ugly.

As I drove, I thought about my marriage, and the dream it represented.   I mentally flipped through snapshots of the day this dream was born -- my wedding day.  Me standing on a soft green lawn in my wedding dress with my father's arm linked through mine, looking down at my grandma's handkerchief in my hand -- it was my "something blue."  Dancing with my new husband, with all the people I loved in the world looking on.

As I watched that young brunette in her beautiful white gown celebrate the birth of her dream, I found myself wondering what I would say to her if I had the chance.  If I could go back in time and tell her anything...anything at all to spare her from the coming pain...what would I say?

The answer came as a surprise.  I would not tell her to stop.  I would not tell her to run away and never look back.  

I would tell her to take off her blinders and see the truth for what it is.  I would tell her that she needs to explore who she is without a man standing next to her.   I would tell her that control is an illusion.  I would say that wanting to be loved and adored are reasonable expectations, and having those expectations do not make her a bad person.  I would tell  her that even when she thinks she doesn't have an ounce of strength left to fight for what she knows is right and true and good, she will find it.

I would tell her that, sometimes, love isn't enough.

Then I would kiss her cheek and send her down the aisle.  Because if I stopped that girl, she wouldn't be the person she is today.  The terrible, wonderful, beautiful mess that she is.  She wouldn't have a little boy with blond hair and blue eyes who makes the sun and stars and planets dim in comparison.  And that would be a far greater tragedy than having to survive every ounce of pain that waits for her.

Death is so painful.  But it is as much a part of life as birth is.  It is also the gateway through which new life emerges.   This theme of death as a means to new life is written into our very existence...in each animal playing its part in the food chain...in the change of the seasons every year...even in the story of our faith.  Doesn't God say that the only way to truly know Him is to "die" to ourselves?  And isn't the pivotal event of the Christian faith - Christ's death on the cross and resurrection - our only means to live eternal life in heaven someday?

I arrived at the courthouse, waited my turn, and with very little fanfare, I was granted a divorce today.  As I sat in my car holding that piece of paper that signified the death of my beautiful dream, I took a mental snapshot of the moment...the texture of the walls in the parking garage, what piece of music was playing on the CD, the dull ache in my chest...and the tears that I expected, but never came.

As I pulled onto the highway toward home, the fog had only lifted to far enough to obscure the tops of the skyscrapers, leaving the last of the fall foliage visible.  In only days, this quilt of amber and sienna covering the city will turn brown and fall to the ground, only to be whisked away by the winter wind.

It is a beautiful death.

Hakuna Matata - not a wonderful phrase

"Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it, or... learn from it."  Rafiki, The Lion King

I took Chatterbox with me to the movie theater to see the re-release of The Lion King this past Saturday.  It has always been one of my favorite Disney movies, and I couldn't wait to share the experience of watching it with him.  He elected a Starbucks marble pound cake as his treat rather than popcorn, and we smuggled in sodas to attempt to keep me from going into bankruptcy to buy food in the theater.

It was as magical as I had hoped.   He was transfixed the whole time, just as I always was as a child when I went to the movies...soaking in the immensity of the screen, the smell of the popcorn, and the boom-boom of the bass in the soundtrack. 

What I didn't expect was the rush of a forgotten memory....seeing The Lion King live on stage with my mother-in-law some years ago when she was still alive.  We took her and her life partner of 25 years, who I also love dearly, to see it as a thank you for gifting her used SUV to me when she was ready to buy a new one.  It was a good truck, a tank really.  She was always saying how she didn't like the idea of me driving around in my little Ford Escort with all the crazies on 285.  She used to joke that driving in Atlanta was like risking your life on a daily basis.

We lost her to a rare form of Parkinson's around this time two years ago.  And I miss her every single day.

We had a rare relationship that daughters-in-law can only dream of.  We enjoyed an easy rapport with each other, and she was incredibly good to me.  She was quirky and soulful, and loved her two sons like crazy. 

The thing that I respected most about her was that she owned up to her mistakes.  She was very vocal about her shortcomings as a mother in her children's early life...and although she would often frame these comments in a funny story from their childhood, she was adamant that she made innumerable mistakes during those years and always regretted her inability to be there for them in the way she should have been.  I always somehow felt that she said these things within hearing distance of her sons as a way to seek their forgiveness.  As I watched Simba go through his journey of pain and ultimate victory during the film, I was reminded why I loved and respected her so much -- for her willingness to tell the truth...and how facing her demons helped to transform her into the loving, nurturing person I knew her to be. 

I marinated with my memories of her and other weightier issues as the movie concluded, its central themes taking on a more profound message than when I first watched it years ago.  I recognized in Scar the most heinous of enemies, and maybe the greatest Disney villain ever...the way he orchestrated an "accident" to kill his own brother then lied convincingly to a young, impressionable Simba...hissing and whispering a web of shame into Simba's mind...and does it so well that he almost changes the poor cub's destiny to become King.  All for the sake of his own selfish ambition and jealously.  Simba runs...Scar wins...and the entire kingdom suffers for it.

Here's the interesting twist that didn't really hit me until this viewing.  Simba perceived his greatest sin as ultimate responsibility for his father's death.  Of course, it wasn't his fault...the audience is in on the truth.  But what if Mufasa's death had been Simba's fault?  What if he really was responsible in some indirect way?  Was this Simba's greatest sin?  I don't think so.

I think it was the running away part.  That was the true turning point.  The one that could have changed not only his story, but his future children's stories, his mother's story, and the entire kingdom's story.  Running was the easier choice, the faster way to a happy ending.  His life with Pumbaa and Timon in the jungle turned out to be kind of awesome.  Not a care in the world - Hakuna Matata!  Just put your past mistakes out of your mind.  Facing them just makes you feel bad.  It hurts too much -- so Hakuna Matata instead!

Aren't you glad that's not where the story ended?
 

My favorite character in the story is Rafiki.  He comes across as a little nuts, but it turns out he the most sane one in the bunch.  He's the seer, the truth-teller.  He sought Simba out and hit him on the head with the truth of the matter -- literally.  It is a beautiful moment of epiphany as Simba faces the choice of his life.  He can continue his carefree existence, never thinking of the consequences of his past actions...or more importantly, his inaction... and allow those dearest to his heart to continue to reap the disaster he has himself created; or, he can put aside his shame, return home to face his family, tell the truth (whatever the consequences!) and fight for his rightful place on the throne.

Whew.  I don't know about you, but the first one sounds a bit easier.  But that's an illusion -- and Simba recognized it as such.

I'm going to go out on a limb here with a statement.  It applies to men AND women, obviously.  But I feel that I should say something specifically to the men that may run across this blog.  All two of you, anyway.  Because this is really, really important that we get this right for the next generation. 

The world needs more men that will face their mistakes, and do what needs to be done by heading the charge to fix them.  The women and children in your home need that from you.  Your employees need that from you.  Pastors, your church needs that from you.

This means more than putting on your swagger and showing us all how strong you are.   It even means more than saying you're sorry when you mess up. 

That's not good enough.  It takes a bigger man to take it a step further.  It means looking at your family and friends in the eye and telling the truth about where you failed and why, taking responsibility for your actions, facing the consequences head-on and doing the hard work to go about repairing the damage.

I'll go a step further.  It also means busting the news of your mistakes wide open before you are found out by someone else.  That's right...before someone else has to shine the light on the stuff you don't want anyone else to know about.  

This goes against the grain.  I get it.  I really do.  It's a pride thing all mixed together with a shame thing, and the thought of just airing out your business when no one really knows your mistakes to begin with sounds like opening a can of worms for no good reason.  You rationalize, betting on the possibility that no one else may ever find out, then lucky lucky you gets to have his cake and eat it too.

There's one little flaw in that plan.  You know, and God knows...and it's the knowing when you put your head on the pillow at night that will eat away at you, and ultimately make you less of a man...even if no one else ever knows. 

This is not a news flash, friends.  All you have to do is watch CNN covering the good folks in Congress.  Actually, you don't even have to turn on the TV...look at your best friend, your brother, your boss.  This is an epidemic that is running rampant in our world.  The consequences are clear...if you do not take hold of your pride and wrestle it to the ground when it threatens to rule your choices, you will ultimately lose something.  You will lose a friend, or your wife, or your children's respect, or your financial security. 


You may even lose the destiny that had your name written on it before the beginning of time.  I'd say that's a pretty big price to pay for saving face.

Here's the beauty part.  When you step up to the plate and do this, a miraculous thing happens.  The people around you that truly love you will rally and support you through the cleanup of the mess you have made.  You may have to go backward before you go forward.  In fact, I guarantee it.  It will set you back and make you feel as small as an insignificant ant for a while.  But at least you'll be on the right path again instead of going further down a road to nowhere good.

We all make mistakes and we all know how deep down that we'd rather run.  Maybe that is why we are so affected when we see a man who seems to have everything going for him put it all on the line for the sake of his integrity and the people he loves - consequences be damned.  You must believe this...the man who is strong enough to put aside his pride to save his marriage, or his children, or his business, or his church inspires awe and respect when the dust settles and the story is told.  You will become the man that other men look up to, women aspire to love, and children respect.

You may not have all the animals in Africa bow down to you as you stand gazing from a tall precipice or anything.  But living out your true destiny is pretty cool too.

Se Wa Teneo

Sorry to have dropped off the face of the earth like that.  It's something I do intermittently when I get the wind knocked out of me.  This time wasn't nearly as bad as it used to be.  This time, it was more of a blip on the map.  I just didn't call friends quite as often, and stopped blogging and Facebook-ing.  But not too long ago, it was quite a different story.

This is the way I see it:  All of us have a certain amount of emotional energy to expend, give or invest in our tanks.  For me, my initial allotment goes to Chatterbox right out of the gate, so I guard that and reserve it carefully, making sure that he will always get what he needs from me.  Then the remainder gets doled out -- job, family, friends, volunteer commitments, you get the picture (now, before all the Christians get riled up about the pecking order of things, I kind of look at my faith as a constant conversation with God that never turns off.  He's not on the list because without him I have no list.  He is the list...without Him, it all kind of evaporates).   What this means is when I receive a blow I wasn't expecting, I have to allot some of my "fuel" to deal with the Nasty.  It's like someone has siphoned fuel out of my tank, and there's not enough...so something or someone in my life has to go without for a minute.  It's not because I've stopped caring, it's just that there is only so much to give on any one day.

So I've learned that I can somewhat measure how I am doing with my healing process as to how much and to what extent I disappear when something bad happens.

It turns out that when a person goes through some kind of trauma (whether that be emotional, mental or physical), they go into kind of a survival mode.  They find reserves they didn't know they had in order to continue on in the face of the Nasty.  Some people take the Nasty and bury it deep inside so they can do better with their facade of normalcy.  But the problem is that the Nasty bores holes in their hearts and spirits...and the result is that it slowly eats them alive.  But the Nasty will eventually leak out....and when it does, it destroys everything in close proximity.

I decided early on through God's intervention that I was not going to go that route.  But the catch is, if you're going to deal with the Nasty as it comes, it is extremely hard work.  You have to be purposeful about it -- you have to pause and take time for introspection, and very carefully measure your response to the Nasty. 

That takes a lot of fuel from the tank.

So, anyway, I dealt with a lot of Nasty over a period of several years and it drained me to the dregs.  My tank was not only empty, but I was as dry as a 7-year drought.  I lived in survival mode for so long that it became my new normal. I knew I needed to find a better way.  Thankfully, this last year has been a season healing...of starting to come out of refugee-land and rejoining the world.  But although it has been necessary time, it has been a lonely time in many ways.  My social circle is smaller than it's ever been, and my friends know that weeks and months may go by without hearing from me.  The ones that are still around love me anyway, and for that I am thankful.  They know how battle-worn I am and that I sometimes need some time to let the tank start to move past the big E.

But the last few months, I have wised up to a few things.  This is not a place to stay in forever.  I realized that to really gain some momentum in my healing, I needed to venture back out in the world and be with people in a meaningful way.  I needed to start giving of myself again to others besides Chatterbox and my teeny tiny social circle.  I didn't feel like I could.  I thought, "There's just not enough in there to give right now."  My isolation was lonely, but it was safe and predictable...and not as scary as more people needing things from me that I knew I didn't have.

But God didn't put us on this rock to live in a Room.

God is kind of sneaky.  He speaks to me in all kinds of ways.  In the last couple of weeks, I've enjoyed some modes of entertainment that have touched on (actually, SHOUTED) this idea.  Chatterbox and I watched Tangled over the weekend, a retelling of the story of Rapunzel - the one with the girl who lives her life in a tower.  I also got my hands on a book called Room, which was recommended to me by my sister (who by the way, has one of the best blogs around, bar none).  It is a harrowing story of a woman kidnapped and held prisoner in a single room for years.  While in captivity, she becomes pregnant, and raises her son alone in this single room -- and it is the only universe this child knows until the age of 5.  The tale is told from his perspective, and is astounding in its honest portrayal of the perceived safety of a life in captivity.

Here's the takeaway.  When you live in just a Room, it limits everything you might have been.  Dreams become unnecessary because that might take you outside of the safety of the Room.  Inside, it is comfortable.  It is predictable.  Over time, the thought of anything else is downright terrifying.  But the truth is, whatever the circumstances of your captivity, there is only one person that can ultimately get you out.

You.

Every one of us at some time or another in our lives gets the short end of the stick.  We get beat up by the people who are supposed to love us.  We get treated unfairly.  Some are abused in the worst ways and some live through unimaginable pain. 

Because I feel I have some experience the area of pain, I can safely say this without hypocrisy:  What are you going to do about it?

"I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really...get busy livin'...or get busy dyin'."  - Andy Dufresne, "The Shawshank Redemption"

That's right.  Only you can make the choice to get on with it.  And don't kid yourself, it is a choice.  It's not something that happens to you, or that God will just drop into your lap like a neatly wrapped present.  You've got to do the thing that scares the crap out of you -- maybe not just one thing, but two or three or four.  You put yourself back into the world, because if you don't, you will never be the person you were meant to be.  You will never be the wife, the husband, the mother, the father or influencer you were supposed to become.
  
Ecclesiastes says there is a time for everything.  I've done lots of mourning and weeping lately...enough to last me for the rest of my life, if you want to know the truth.  But that season of my life is passing away, and something new is rising.  It is hope.  Hope is what make you move when you think you can't.  It is usually the catalyst for change, which is why some see it as salvation and others see it as dangerous.

For me, it is the permission to dream again.

Andy Dufresne's dream was to escape to Se Wa Teneo -- a village right on the Pacific...the sea with no memory.  It was a dangerous dream because of its audacity...its impossibility.  But for Andy, he knew if he couldn't find a way out, he would die.  Maybe not literally.  But he would cease to be himself...at least, the one that mattered.


It's the same for any one of us.  You can push your way out of your prison, however terrifying that may be; or put your dreams in a jar -- where they will be just another decoration on a shelf in your Room.

Once I gave myself permission to dream again, the first thing that I noticed was how much bigger they were than my dreams ten years ago.  The next thing that I noticed was that it didn't bother me that they would take significant time and effort from Yours Truly to come to fruition.  It's just time, after all.

Any dream that's worth having is bound to take some time, right?

Start your week with a love song

Sitting at Your feet is where I wanna be
I'm home when I am here with You
Ruined by Your grace, enamored by Your gaze
I can't resist the tenderness in You

I'm deep in love with You, Abba Father
I'm deep in love with You, Lord
My heart it beats for You, precious Jesus
I'm deep in love with You, Lord

Humbled and amazed that You would call my name
I never have to search again
There's a deep desire that's burning like a fire
To know You as my closest friend

I'm deep in love with You, Abba Father
I'm deep in love with You, Lord
My heart it beats for You, precious Jesus
I'm deep in love with You, Lord

I'm deep in love with You, Abba Father
I'm deep in love with You, Lord
My heart it beats for You, precious Jesus
I'm deep in love with You, Lord

Lord my redeemer, Your blood runs through my veins
My love for You is deeper than it was yesterday
I enter through the curtain and parted by Your grace
Lord You're the lover of my soul
You're the lover of my soul

I'm deep in love with You, Lord

I'm deep in love with You, Abba Father
I'm deep in love with You, Lord
My heart it beats for You, precious Jesus
I'm deep in love with You, Lord

Lyric, Michael W. Smith - "Deep in Love with You"

27 minutes

I have had a really tough week.  It has to do with several factors -- I started a new job, my little boy started  not one, but TWO new schools this week (kindergarten and an after-school program) and we're adapting to a totally new schedule.  On top of all that, some pretty major stuff got thrown into my face as it relates to my upcoming divorce settlement.  I mean major in a way that would make anyone who truly knows me and what I have been through in the last few years say, "NO, HE DID NOT...."

Yes, he did.

So I'm exhausted.  There is a part of me that is very thankful that my son is with his Daddy this weekend, because I'm SO exhausted in every way that I am glad I have a minute to catch my breath.  When I'm with Chatterbox, it's all about being strong and reassuring and letting him know that all is right with the world because Mommy will make it so.

I gave myself an hour this morning to be a lump on the couch and drink my coffee, but I had a ton of paperwork to gather in preparation for my response to the craziness that got unloaded on me this week.  I set a goal to be done with everything by 4ish so I could go to the pool and soak up some Vitamin D.  I once heard that the sun is the best anti-depressant.  And after the week I've had, nothing sounded better.

But, as it turns out, I was just finishing up at 5:15.  I was dressed in my bathing suit when I went to make some copies at the library, knowing that the pool doesn't close until 8.  I could still get my sun-time.

I drove up to the pool at 5:30, ready to enjoy my reward for an excruciating week and a Saturday that in no way resembled a day off.  As I walked up to the entrance, I noticed that the window was closed despite the fact that there were still some people at the pool.  Then I saw it - new hours posted as of August 15 reflecting a closing time of 6PM.

Oh, snap.

I can't really properly describe the extent of my disappointment.  I was looking forward to this all day.  Just a little bit of time to close my eyes, lay back, and let the sun melt away the stress of the week.  Is that too much to ask?

Apparently.

Well, I was just not having it.  They had some kind of nerve closing the front window with 30 minutes left until closing.  So, I decided, the HELL with this.

I'm going to the pool.  Today.  Even if it's just for 27 minutes.

The locker room door wasn't locked.  I walked in like I owned the place.  Barbie and Skipper, the lifeguards, were in there starting to Lysol the showers.  They were chatting about some adolescent nonsense, and on any other day, I might have thought it was sweet.  But they both made eye contact with me as I passed, and I could tell that they were about to caution me that closing time was right around the corner.

I very purposefully looked at one, then the other, and gave them the major stink-eye.  Don't even try it Barbie.  Skipper, I will take you down to Chinatown.  I am going to the pool today...I dare you to tell me not to come in.

They picked up on the not-so-subtle non-verbal cues.

I walked right to a lounger, plopped my stuff down, and immediately jumped in the pool.  One of my favorite things in the world is floating on my back in the cool water while the sun beats down on my face.  I am really good at floating.  And it's quiet when your ears are submerged in the water--my own little sensory deprivation chamber except for the sun illuminating the inside of my eyelids.

Then I got out of the pool and laid down on my towel draped across the lounger.  Every five minutes, some teenager would announce how many minutes were left until closing.  Every time I would hear it, I would smile....just  laying there in the sun, palms open to it, soaking it in, letting it burn away the pain of so much forced change on me and my son.  Sorry, Barbie and Skipper.  I am not leaving this chair until 6:00.

Finally, I forced myself into a sitting position to gather my things with the last of the stragglers.  As I walked out the side exit, I saw Barbie in the office, glaring at the few annoying people who were delaying her evening plans.

I smiled and winked at her, just for fun.

As it turns out, 27 minutes is just enough.

It hurts

I watch my son as he walks ahead of me...excited...smiling...ready.

I know this should make me proud.  I know that even if he hits a rough patch today, he will wipe his tears away and recover.  I know that he is an amazingly happy, social kid that he will adjust to this change, just as he has with all the others.

I know what the healthy response to this day is.  I know I should pat myself on the back that I have prepared him well for this day.  I know that all parents survive this moment.  I know that he can't be with me forever.

But none of that matters as I watch the blond hairs on the crown of his head bounce like happy dandelions as he walks with purpose just a step ahead of me.

All I know is there is not an ocean big enough that can hold the amount of heartache I feel right at this moment.

Dialogue as heard by a fly on the wall at 8:30 PM

Chatterbox:  I'm not sleepy.
Me:  I know.  But I think if we lay here in your bed and rest for a while, you will get sleepy.
Chatterbox:  Is kindergarten tomorrow?
Me:  Yes.
(a long silence)
Chatterbox:  What happens after kindergarten?
Me:  Your teacher will help you go to the right place to wait for the bus we looked at the other day.  You will get on the bus, and it will take you to play at Mommy's preschool where I work. 
Chatterbox:  What is that place called again?
Me: (I say the name)
(Chatterbox repeats it slowly) 
Chatterbox:  And you will be there?
Me: Yes, because that is where I work now.  
Chatterbox:  All the time?
Me:  All the time.  Every day that you have school, I will be there when you get off the bus.  I will be waiting for you.  As a matter of fact, you will probably see me waiting for you before you even get off the bus.  I will wave to you, and you will smile when you see me!  Then you will get off the bus and I will give you a big hug and ask you about all the fun things you did at school that day.  Then I will take you back to your class there where you can play until it's time to go home.  And if you want to peek in my room anytime after that, I think that would be OK. 
Chatterbox:  Do I have to take a nap there?
Me:  No.
Chatterbox:  Do I have to take a nap at kindergarten?
Me:  They have a rest time just like at your old school.  You don't have to sleep, but you do have to rest. 
 Chatterbox:  Do they have cots?
Me:  No, you will lay down on a fluffy towel that Mommy is sending to school with you.  The one I showed you the other day with your name on it.
Chatterbox:  Will the other kids have towels?
Me:  Yes.  Their mommies will send a special one to school with them too.
Chatterbox:  Oh (then a long pause).  What about a bell? 
Me:  A bell?
Chatterbox:  Yeah, a bell that tells you when to start.
Me:  Oh, yes...I imagine there will be a bell.  It will ring to tell the teachers when school starts and again when it's time to go home. 
Chatterbox:  Will it be loud?
Me:  Not too loud.  It might be a little loud if you are standing right under it.
Chatterbox:  I don't like loud.  Where are the bells?
Me:  I'll tell you what.  When we get there tomorrow, we'll look for the bells to see where they are.  Then you can always be prepared. 
Chatterbox:  OK.
(silence again) 
Me:  Do you remember what we learned at church today?  "A friend loves at all times."  I'll bet you will have a chance tomorrow to be a good friend to someone in your class.
(he seems to consider the idea silently)
Me:  I'm going to pray tonight that God will give you lots of friends in your class.
(He suddenly puts his head on my stomach and hugs me tightly)
Chatterbox:  Did I used to lay on you like this to go to sleep when I was little?
Me:  Yes.  Yes, you did.
Chatterbox:  I love you.
Me:  I love you too...so, so much.