Anniversary

Yesterday, I started out on my drive to Alabama for the Thanksgiving holiday with excitement as well as dread.   Although I was pleasantly surprised to have the opportunity to leave work early to get on the road one day earlier than planned, I knew that there was the distinct possibility that I may sit in heavy traffic for hours along with innumerable commuters on their way to turkey dinners far and wide.  At the last minute, I decided to change my route and drive county roads all the way in.  It might take another 45 minutes on the overall trip time, but at least my chances of moving at a snail's pace in bumper-to-bumper traffic on the Interstates would be greatly diminished. 

It was a good choice.  Once I left the suburbs, I moved along at a nice clip...no traffic.  Ben was in a great mood, singing along to the radio.  I began to relish the scenery that only a country drive can offer...dilapidated barns, cotton fields, horse farms, rolling hills and quaint town squares in one-stoplight towns.  These sorts of drives are like medicine for the soul for a South-Alabama girl like me...and I admit it always makes me long for a simpler life.  I love my city living...but I need frequent escapes that put some gravel in my travel to keep me sane.

I glanced in the rear view mirror to see Ben drifting off to sleep.  Just as sunset was approaching, I noticed a roadside sign on a particularly gorgeous stretch of Route 411:  "This is the original Trail of Tears," it read.  I was somewhat excited and a bit awed as I considered the historical significance of the hallowed ground I had inadvertently stumbled upon.  I smiled as I realized the irony of driving this route on Thanksgiving...a time of remembering the colonists' original alliance with the Native Americans as they attempted to navigate this New World.   Then I found myself imagining a later time when tribes of Native Americans had walked across that very soil so many years ago...a broken people driven from the only home they had ever known, with no hope that life would ever be the same.   A deep sadness gripped me as I considered the immensity of that event in the lives of those people.  What loss.  How often in the years of their lives that followed did those individuals raise their voices in question to the Great Spirit...why did this happen to us?  What will become of us?

Then it hit me.   It was November 21. 

My divorce became final exactly one year ago.

I am not really big on anniversaries.  Particularly if they commemorate something sad.  I mean, it is hard enough to experience loss and sadness the first time.  So I don't feel the need to do it all over again every year on that date -- in my opinion, it defeats the purpose of moving on.  So, honestly, I hadn't given it much thought that I was approaching the year anniversary of my divorce.  But I couldn't help feeling that it wasn't an accident that I decided to map out an alternate route for my trip this year.  It was not an accident that I happened upon the Trail of Tears on this day.  As usual, God was using something ordinary to convey something extraordinary.

I considered my own Trail of Tears that I had travelled over a period of years as I approached that landmark day in my life...when an immense chapter in my story of who I am as a woman...as a believer...as a mother...ended with a single piece of paper. 

So much grief on that journey...uncertainty about my future...the deepest loss I have ever experienced.  And even the question.  I don't think there is a person that has ever lived that didn't have a moment on the mat with his Maker, shouting this question with clenched fists.  Or maybe that person is just so broken that it only escapes his lips in the weakest of whispers.

Why, Lord?

I'd love to tell you on the other side of my Trail of Tears that I have the answer to that question.

But I don't.

I want to share with you the answers I did find in my journey...at least, so far.  But I'd like to shift my statements to refer to any of my readers that are knee deep in it.  I mean, you are in the fight of your life.  Maybe it's divorce.  Maybe it's the death of someone you love.  Maybe it's just that life is dealing you so much crap right now that you are just not sure you are going to make it.  I want to share these things with you because I don't think these revelations are just for me.  I think they are for anyone who will open their hands to receive it.  It is my gift to you on this Thanksgiving Day.

Here goes.

You are the strongest person you know.  You may not realize this.  That's OK.  But every time you fight the urge to pull the covers over your head and choose to get up and show up for life instead, you get a little bit stronger.  Making that choice gets easier every day...not because your circumstances have changed, but because of the mental and emotional muscles that you are building over time.

The pain that you are living with right now is a gift...IF you open your heart and mind to hear the lessons it teaches.  If you bottle or ignore this pain...if you do not become Pain's friend and get to know all of its varying shades and what they can bring to the surface in you...it will slowly eat you alive.  It will turn you into someone you do not recognize.  You will lose yourself.  But if you choose to embrace the pain...let it all the way in...an amazing thing happens.  You survive.  It doesn't swallow you up.  It may take weeks or months...but there's no real shortcut.  You have to move THROUGH it to get to the other side.  And in doing so, you will know yourself better than you ever have.  This knowledge can protect you from choosing future paths that could potentially bring you more pain.  And there is a bonus:  you will be uniquely qualified to empathize with others and bring healing to their lives as well.   

Chances are, you are on a Trail of Tears because another person has hurt you deeply.  After all, nothing can take you lower than someone you love and trust driving the figurative knife into your heart, right?  So when you do come out on the other side, it can be a little scary.  It is tempting to live with your walls up...because it's one thing to survive this kind of pain once, but it's another thing to put yourself at risk for surviving it twice.  This may be the tough to take on some level...but don't cry to the world about how lonely you are when you'll only talk to others through the keyhole in your door. 

The truth is, there is only one way you can truly find out if you can trust someone...and that is, to trust them.  People hurt people.  This will always be true.  But there are good, loving people in the world that will live life alongside you and color your world beautiful just by being near you.  You can only find those people by letting them get close enough, long enough to get to know their heart.  It IS possible to do this with caution, and at your own pace.  But holding people at arms-length indefinitely robs you of the joy that can only come with intimate relationships with other human beings. 

Finally, God is smarter than we are.  Period.  So, frankly, trusting Him should be a no-brainer.  When you do, everything changes.  Every.  Single.  Thing.  In the best possible way.

I don't know why terrible things happen to us.  But the Bible really does give us a pretty good idea about who God is.  He loves us more than an earthly parent loves his own child.  Therefore, our pain is His pain.   He mourns with us in our grief.  But because we live in a broken world with broken people, we will get hurt.  We just...will.  And because He is our Father, He will pick up His wounded children who run to Him...and care for us tenderly until we are whole again.  Then, when we are stronger, He will send us on a new adventure knowing full well that life still gets ugly.  Life brings pain.

But it also brings beauty.  And joy.  And love.

So if we embrace these revelations...if we allow them to work their way into our hearts and inform our decisions...I have to believe that when we reach the end of our journey where we take the measure of our lives...we will ultimately determine that the pain was worth it.

The Trail of Tears isn't the end of the road.  But we do have to walk it end to end to get to the next leg of the journey.

Keep going.