So, as most of you know from my extensive anticipatory Facebook posts over the previous two weeks, I am at the beach. BY MYSELF. There's a first for everything, and this is one of those things that has been on my personal to-do list for quite some time.
There is a rather large number of women out there that would never attempt a vacation by themselves. This is because we are...well, women. Women are generally very social creatures that love to talk. A lot. To men, to each other, and if you're a wierdo like me, to ourselves. So vacationing alone means you've got to be able relax into the silence, which can be a challenge. Also, there tends to be a bit of trepidation for us when considering traveling alone because of the everyday dangers for women in the world because of bush-lurkers. You know, the bad people who lurk behind bushes and prey on women who have the nerve to be out in the world alone at any given time.
Then, there is a smaller percentage of women that aspire to take a vacation alone, but either never get around to it or chicken out. This aspiration usually exists in 1) women under 25 with limited responsibility and more disposable income, or 2) in mothers who are overworked, overtired, under-appreciated and generally needed by someone, somewhere, at any given moment of the day. To the former group the prospect of a vacation alone sounds adventurous, empowering, and presents opportunities to meet interesting men outside of your social circle. To the latter, it holds appeal because it involves hours and hours of complete silence, eating warm food while sitting down, and actually choosing to watch a movie that was not made by Pixar. Oh, and peeing without a miniature person walking in to have a conversation with you. That's a plus.
Then there is the small number of women in whose company I now reside...the ones that make it happen. Even if it means eating peanut butter and jelly the whole time you're actually on that vacation because just the fuel to get there is so dadgum expensive. Even if you only get ten paid days off per year, which you really feel like you should save to use for quality time with your family or emergencies. Even if you miss your kid like crazy. Even if you know the nights may feel a little lonelier than they do in your own house. I'm not complaining, mind you...because I am downright ecstatic that I am here right now. I'm just saying that it's not an easy thing to pull off, and tempting to talk yourself out of.
But sometimes you just really, really need to put yourself in a quiet place to see what you might hear.
First, I just have to say that I love driving long distances by myself. I enjoy listening to loud music in the car and sing along just as loudly. I drink coffee and snack way more than I do at home. I take the long rural routes instead of the Interstates. I stop by the side of the road to take pictures. I mosey. It's downright heavenly. I did all this, and more, today on my leisurely drive to the Alabama coastline.
I arrived at the beach house at around 6:15 PM and was on the beach by 6:35 PM. Just in time for sunset hour. I would usually have a novel on hand to immediately dive into for the weekend -- another rare indulgence for a single mom with very limited free time. And while I do have the obligatory novel in my suitcase, my foremost goal for this trip is a little different. I need some focused time with God.
My life has been completely rehashed in the last two years. And frankly, the only way that I am still in one piece is God. I know this is true more than I know anything. But even though I was raised saturated in the teachings of Christ, and my faith permeates all that I am and hope to be as a woman and as a mother, I waiver in my walk...usually without even realizing it. I struggle with my need to feel some control over my life. I sometimes have trouble letting God hold all the cards. Even when I know what my life looks like when I insist on holding onto them myself.
I guess it is just really hard to live by faith all the time. But that is what we are called to do as believers...so it's something I've got to keep working on. Or rather, NOT working on. Because the only way we can really be in His will is to let go. I have to do my part to make smart decisions that line up with God's Word of course, but then...let go.
As I sat on the beach watching the birds dive for fish this evening, I recalled a day on this same beach about three years ago. I brought Chatterbox with me on a trip down here shortly after his father and I separated. At the time, we were still living in the same house due to the fact that I could not find work to support myself...and it was an incredibly stressful experience as I was forced to process what next steps may be coming without the benefit of a real step back from the situation.
I remembered watching my three-year-old son run back and forth from water to the sand, making little piles in some sort of pattern that made sense to him. Suddenly, I was filled with grief as I considered the very real possibility that I would never again share a moment like that with my son's father. I would never sit with him on a vacation and laugh about our son's silly little antics, holding hands...making plans...being a family. I was going to have to learn how to be alone...in my finances, in life decisions, and in how to be there for my son as a single parent for the million important things that would happen in his young life. But in that moment of grief and fear, God spoke to my heart very clearly.
This is going to be hard. But I won't let you break. You are both going to be OK. You will experience many more beautiful moments like this with your son -- and be happy.
Fast forward to today.
It is really hard. But He didn't let me break. We are both OK...and I AM happy.
God keeps His promises. He knows what He is doing. So maybe letting go is not such a bad thing after all.
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