Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain

I used to think that people who blog have way too much time on their hands.  I mean, even when I was married and a stay-at-home mom, I just did not have the time, energy, or inclination for it.  Despite the fact that I love to write, and performed my stay-at-home mommy duties and then some by organizing a neighborhood mommy networking group, volunteering relentlessly and learning to cook...FINALLY...it frankly just never occurred to me.  I'm kind of more of a face time kind of gal.  And I think that there was a part of me that believed I was not as good at this mommy thing as other moms that I knew.  That bothered me, and since I was already trying to hold a crumbling marriage together with sheer will and duct tape, this failure was not one I was ready to advertise, or even admit.


Let me explain.  As the firstborn of three girls in my family, I was kind of the stereotypical perfectionist overachiever.  On top of that, I had been a nanny for five years - a very, very GOOD nanny.  So it frankly kind of shocked me that I was not turning out to be the supermom that I had always expected I would be.


My son had reflux after he was born.  And slept beautifully...for three weeks.  Then, the kid's real sleeping habits came to light.  And I did not sleep for over 4 hours in about 18 months.  Because even on the rare occasions where my husband helped out on an overnight, I would still have to wake up to nurse which, as it turns out, is quite often for a reflux baby.  I had no family in town to help.  No close friends in my immediate neighborhood.  I was indescribably alone.  I was lucky to get a shower every other day.  I did not attend the obligatory "mommy and me" classes, because I was just too darn tired.  I would hold my crying baby, who I loved more than my own life, and think about how useless I was that I couldn't make his pain and discomfort better.  And I looked at other new moms, with their flawless makeup, discussing preschool wait lists while drinking their Starbucks lattes and working on their goals of running a 10K...and felt like a total failure.


Here's the thing.  I'm five years into mommyhood.  My situation has drastically changed.  I am about to be divorced, I work about 50 hours a week, and my time with my son has been slashed to a fraction of what it used to be.  And I am still miles away from being the supermom I thought I would be.  What has also changed is that I am somewhat at peace with that.


Women are so brutally hard on themselves.  I don't care how well put together you are, how much money you make, or how many hours you spend with a shrink.  There is not a mother I know of that doesn't snap at her child in anger occasionally, even when it's not his fault, or occasionally give her career precedence over her kids, or stare at her checkbook for long agonizing minutes, willing the money to appear so her son can play baseball this season.  We all have moments where we are not enough.  And we all silently beat ourselves up for it.

I'll tell you why I wanted to have a blog.  Because for every mom that posts the annual family beach photos on her Facebook page that seems to excel at every aspect of not only being the perfect parent, but the perfect woman, there is someone like me.  Someone who really does NOT have it all together.  Someone who often runs late to school programs and forgets her camera.  Someone who does not enforce regular bedtimes because she wants that extra ten minutes of time to memorize the lines of her son's face as they read a bedtime story together.  Someone who feels the weight of a failed marriage and what that will do to her child every...single...day of his life.


I am not a supermom.  I am just a mom...flawed, a total mess, and doing my best to make a life for me and my son.  And I'm willing to bet that I'm not alone. 

In fact, I have come to believe that the whole concept of "supermom" is kind of like the Wizard of Oz.  It's as if women everywhere are saying to each other, and even to themselves, "Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain."  We're killing ourselves creating the smoke and mirrors, the image of the great and powerful Oz.  And really we're all just like the little dude from Kansas who got dropped into a world he wasn't prepared for and is trying like crazy to compensate.

So, I say screw that.  This blog is probably not going to be what you expected.  Kind of like how the direction of my life has not been what I expected.   You can expect a lot of talk about being a mom...but also about being a woman, being a single parent, making a half-hearted attempt of putting myself "out there" again, being a person of faith that isn't afraid to ask hard questions and, finally, being honest.

I am kicking "supermom" in the teeth...the idea of her, that is.  You can join me, or feel free to watch from a distance if you're not quite sure you're ready to buy into my mediocre shenanigans.  Either way, I think you will enjoy the ride.